Not Every Ex Is a Narcissist—Some Just Didn’t Want You
Let’s Talk About Convenient Villainizing and Why We Hate Accountability
Alright, time for some straight talk. Not that soft, self-help, "find your inner peace" nonsense—this is the conversation you should have had with your best friend before you went full Shakespearean tragedy over your breakup.
Spoiler alert: They probably weren’t toxic.
Oh, I know—big shocker. Because it’s so much easier to slap a "toxic" sticker on your ex’s forehead than to admit that maybe you were part of the problem. Hell, maybe you were the problem. But let’s be real, taking accountability for our own BS is about as appealing as licking a subway pole, so instead, we cast ourselves as the innocent victim in our own sad rom-com.
Well, buckle up. We’re diving headfirst into why we’re all guilty of this nonsense and why, deep down, we hate accountability like it’s a diet plan.
The "Toxic" Label: A Convenient Get-Out-Of-Accountability Card
We live in a golden age of buzzwords. "Narcissist," "gaslighting," "love-bombing"—words that once had actual clinical definitions have now been turned into break-up Mad Libs. You didn’t get dumped—you got "discarded by a narcissist." You didn’t argue—you were "gaslit." They didn’t move on—you were "love-bombed and then abandoned." Look, I hate to break it to you, but not every ex is a clinical case study in psychological manipulation.
Sometimes, they were just tired of your shit.
According to a study by The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, over 60% of people reframe their breakups to paint themselves in a more favorable light (translation: we lie to ourselves because it feels better). And sure, some exes are toxic. If they cheated on you with your cousin and stole your credit card, go ahead—call them what they are. But if your biggest complaint is that they "never texted back fast enough" or "they didn’t support my dream of becoming a full-time cat astrologist"—yeah, that’s just a relationship that wasn’t meant to last, buddy.
At some point, we have to ask ourselves: Are they actually toxic, or am I just mad that I lost?
Men vs. Women: Everybody Sucks Equally
This isn’t just about women overusing the "toxic" label. Fellas, don’t think you’re off the hook. If I had a dollar for every dude I heard call his ex "crazy," I could retire and re-start my podcast about why men and women are both equally full of it.
Women say their ex was toxic; men say their ex was crazy. Either way, it’s the same lazy excuse for dodging personal responsibility. Let’s be 100—if all your exes are "crazy," you might just have really bad taste, or (brace yourself) you’re the common denominator. Ever think about that?
Science backs this up too. A 2019 study from the University of Georgia found that people with lower emotional intelligence are more likely to blame others for their relationship failures. Translation: If you keep calling your ex "toxic" or "crazy," there’s a high chance you are the problem, my dude.
Now, does this mean we should ignore red flags? Of course not. If your ex burned your clothes in a bathtub, congrats, you actually dated a lunatic. But if you’re mad because she didn’t want to be your emotional support animal while you figured your life out, maybe—just maybe—she wasn’t crazy. Maybe she just had standards.
Why We Love Playing the Victim
Want to know why we do this? Why we love painting our exes as evil masterminds instead of just… flawed humans like us? Because playing the victim is easier. It feels better. It gets us sympathy. It means we don’t have to change anything about ourselves.
The American Psychological Association found that people are twice as likely to remember instances where they felt wronged over times when they were in the wrong. That’s because self-reflection is uncomfortable as hell. It forces us to admit that maybe we were jealous, controlling, emotionally unavailable, or just straight-up bad partners. But who wants to do that when you can just repost a "Signs Your Ex Was a Toxic Narcissist" article on Facebook and get a bunch of "You’re so much better off without them!" comments?
Yeah, validation is a hell of a drug.
The Hard Truth: You Need to Own Your Part
So what’s the takeaway here? Simple: Stop using your ex as your emotional punching bag. If you genuinely want to grow (and not just hop from one bad relationship to the next), start asking yourself the hard questions:
What role did I play in the breakup?
Am I actually learning from my past, or just blaming my ex?
Do I have a habit of villainizing people when things don’t go my way?
Am I emotionally mature enough to accept that not every breakup has a villain?
If your answers make you uncomfortable, congrats—you’re on the right track. Growth isn’t about feeling good. It’s about getting real with yourself.
And if that sounds like too much work, hey—just keep telling yourself your ex was a narcissist. I’m sure your next relationship will be completely different.
What Now?
If you made it this far, congratulations—you can handle some brutal honesty. Now, do us a favor:
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Drop a comment below and let us know—have you ever villainized an ex just because it was easier than admitting your own flaws?
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